All My Days
by fatedtopretendd
Summary: Three accounts of Ryan visiting Marissa's grave at three different times of his life. "He's come to terms with her death now but he still doesn't like visiting her grave, maybe because it's a glaring reminder that she's gone. She's never coming back."


**Summary: Three accounts of Ryan visiting Marissa's grave at three different times of his life. "He's come to terms with her death now but he still doesn't like visiting her grave, maybe because it's a glaring reminder that she's gone. She's never coming back."**

**A/N: There's probably going to be quite a bit of bias in this about how Ryan perceives Marissa after her death. I'm not really sure whether the ending is the **_**healthies**_**t ending for Ryan but I couldn't possibly have Ryan completely move on from Marissa and I can't imagine he would. **

**Reviews are always lovely and much appreciated (a big thank you to those who've reviewed some my other fics). Enjoy (hopefully)!**

_Well I have been searching all of my days  
All of my days  
Many a road, you know I've been walking on  
All of my days  
And I've been trying to find, what's been in my mind_

_All My Days – Alexi Murdoch_

It's the first time he's visiting her grave. He wishes Julie would turn up quicker, he doesn't know how long he can take the pain searing through him. He still remembers the night, the burning heat, the sickening stench of gasoline but he would go back and live in that moment. The pain he felt then, the pain he feels everyday in the cage, is nothing compared to the torture he feels now. He reads the words on her tombstone, 'Beloved Daughter, Sister, Friend' and feels the rage rising through him. The words don't do her justice; she was so much more than _just_ a daughter, _just_ a sister, _just_ a friend. It's protocol, he knows but he's tired of accepting the way things are. He didn't go to her funeral, he didn't want to be in that crowd of people who'll mourn her and get over it the next day. Some of them won't get over it, Julie won't, Summer won't but they still won't understand. No one can understand. They weren't there when he had held her in his arms and felt the life go out of her. They don't know how her warm and radiant skin had turned an icy white.

Julie finally arrives and he breathes a quiet sigh of relief. He can stop reliving those memories.

"I was wondering when you would finally come here."

"Thanks for meeting me."

"I'm here everyday."

He wonders how she can bear to come here everyday. How does she bear the pain, like tiny shards of glass piercing her skin all over? He can't bear that pain - the emotional pain.

"You have it?"

"You don't mind me asking, what changed your mind?" Her question circles in his mind as he thinks about the fight he finally won. His last fight before he kills Volcholk. The pain of just a few minutes ago is rapidly fading and being replaced with a blinding need for revenge. For the first time since the accident, he feels a vague sense of satisfaction dawn on him. He's going to restore balance. Whoever said two wrongs don't make a right, can sincerely fuck off.

"I've just realised, I have to do this."

* * *

It's been almost over a year since he last visited. He's better now. The pain has eased, the anger has simmered down but there are still some wounds which are left raw. They may always stay raw. He's come to terms with her death now but he still doesn't like visiting her grave, maybe because it's a glaring reminder that she's gone. She's never coming back. He tries not to think about her too often. He thinks that dwelling on her too much might set him off the happy balance he has found; maybe even somehow make him fall out of love with Taylor. He knows it's crazy because he _is_ happy now. Really happy but every now and again his mind drifts to the past; to kisses shared on Ferris wheels; to long nights spent in the poolhouse; to lengthy walks down the beach, his hand in hers.

Her old Harbor sweatshirt is still with him but god, he regrets binning the rest of her stuff that night Julie told him about Volcholk. He had told himself, they don't matter, _she doesn't matter_, but just like she always did, she crept up on him and his heartstrings were yearning for those little mementos. Summer had later found some photos for him and he had quietly accepted them. Even if it wasn't quite the same, he was glad to have them.

They don't talk about her, neither does Julie. It was just that one night, right after Volcholk got put in jail, that he had voiced his memories to Julie. They talked for the whole night, a task that seems impossible now. He wonders how he had dredged up all those memories then. If he tries to do that now, he fears he's going to hurt all over again but that night, he hadn't been afraid to confront the past. There had been something cathartic about the whole experience; after months of guilt and suffering, he could finally think of her with tinges of happiness and love - the kind of emotions that she deserved from him. He's not yet sure what was different about that night compared to all the others that came after.

He used to think that Julie and Summer wouldn't understand but he's grown to learn that they do, at least some parts. There are times where their eyes connect and he knows they share his hurt as well. Even so, he comes to the graveyard alone; there are moments which transpired between him and Marissa, shades of her personality which only he saw that makes it impossible to consider that anyone could ever truly understand.

It's a little unusual being back; he's not even sure why he's here. He's leaving Newport and it had felt wrong to leave without coming here, to say goodbye to her. He hopes that this will bring some resolution to his mind because although he is surrounded with stability in his life, there are still so many feelings floating in his mind jittering from one extreme to the other. It's a strange thing loving Marissa Cooper. In the months after her death he had just wanted to forget her, trying desperately to replace the love with a numbing pain until eventually he grew tired of hurting. The night spent talking to Julie, he had finally let himself _feel_ for her, remember the happier moments, their carefree smiles and her teasing laughter.

When Taylor had started pursuing him, he had found himself conflicted between the lightness of being with Taylor and the guilt of moving forward. Marissa's letter had eased the guilt away but fractions of his mind still felt unsettled, constantly questioning the rightness of his continual connection to Marissa. Even after all this time, he's not sure how to feel about her but then again, he never had known - she had always brought out foreign feelings inside him.

Not a lot has changed at the grave; the grass is overgrown and there's some moss growing on the sides of her tombstone but it's largely the same. It feels awkward just standing there so he tries sitting down instead. He keeps staring at her tombstone as though staring it down will present him answers, he thinks it's ridiculous but he doesn't get up and leave either. A part of his brain is telling him to bolt because being here, he feels too close. Too close to her and to the emotions he has suppressed in the months gone by. Never the less, he stays.

"Hi." He's talking to the tombstone now and he thinks it really is ridiculous. He's talking to a fucking slab of stone. "I don't know why I'm here or why I'm talking out loud. I think I've gotten a little crazy since you've gone." A faint smile comes across his face as he humors his own joke and imagines how she would have laughed. It's not even funny what he said, but she always laughed at his bad jokes. "A lot's changed. The Cohens are moving to Berkeley and I've got college so I'm not sure when or if I'll visit again. I guess...that's why I'm here...to say goodbye. So, bye."

He hasn't really said very much but those few words alone make him feel a little better. This - from leaving Newport to saying goodbye - brings a sense of finality. She let him go long ago, but now he tells himself he's letting go. Driving away from the graveyard, from Newport, the sunset glowing against the evening sky, he tells himself the jumbled up emotions inside will eventually flatten out.

* * *

Just over a decade has passed. Ryan graduated from Berkeley, then found an internship soon after and quickly worked his way up the ranks becoming one of the youngest successful architects in the country. At Berkeley he moved in with Taylor and not long after graduation, they ended up getting married. It had been a spontaneous decision but being with Taylor had always brought unexpected surprises. A year into their marriage, Taylor got pregnant and 9 months later they had beautiful little girl. Five years later they got divorced; it hadn't been a messy divorce, they had both just drifted apart, fallen out of love. They shared custody of their daughter for the first few months after the divorce. Then Taylor had said she was going to move to Paris and she was going to try to be a writer or an artist, she wasn't totally sure what but regardless, she jetted off to France leaving Ryan alone to care for their daughter.

After Berkeley, they had moved to New York and he had been there ever since but with Taylor gone and Seth and Summer moving back to Newport recently, he found himself longing for the Californian sun. He realises though that it's not just the weather he misses. He misses _her _and unlike 10 years ago, he wants to be _close_ to those memories Newport holds. Newport is his home in so many ways and he wants this to be his daughter's home too. It feels right to bring her up in the place which molded him. Perhaps, that's also the reason he takes his daughter to Marissa's grave - the girl who helped mould the man he became.

The place still looks the same, it never changes he thinks but he has. He has changed so much. For the first time, he comes to the place with a smile on his face. Since leaving, he really had found clarity but not in the way he thought he would. He understands now that it is okay to still love her. The hurt is still there, stinging occasionally but he is okay with that too. He's not trying to submerge the memories anymore because he knows there is no point in doing so. It's a part of him. Over the years he began to realise that when he lost her, it broke a part of him; the parts which were broken could never be put together because the places they fit into where lost with her. Instead the gaping hole inside him can be filled with memories, of her, of their time together. Marissa's love, Marissa's loss - they define him.

"Daddy, why are we here?" the six year old asks curiously.

"I wanted you to meet someone who was very special to me, _is_ very special to me."

"Who was she?"

"She was...just a girl who I knew a long time ago. She died just after we graduated from high school but she always meant a lot to me, just like you. She can't be here to meet you, so I thought I would take you to her."

She listens intently to his every word, trying to follow what he means. She thinks hard for a few seconds and then turning towards the tombstone, finally says, "It's nice to meet you." The sweet natured innocence of the six year old brings a smile to his face. He lets her wander just a bit in the close surroundings, giving him some time alone.

"I wish you could meet her, you would really love her." There's nostalgia and love and regret and whole bundle of emotions in his voice as he speaks. He thinks it's funny that he speak so easily now, standing in front of her grave no longer thinking it's ridiculous. He doesn't know why or how but her presence is eerily tangible in the air around him. "I'm back in Newport...for good. When I was here the last time, I didn't think I would be but life has a funny way of working itself out. Who knows, maybe if you were still here, things between us would have worked itself out." Sadness dawns upon on him as he ponders what could have been but it's quickly wiped away when he sees the laughing face of his daughter. There's finally another girl who he can love with all his heart.

He doesn't say goodbye this time when he leaves because he knows he will be back again. He will tell her more about his life, he will tell her about what his week was like and sometimes if he has had a truly horrendous day, he will come here and enjoy the quiet company. She will become a part of his life. He will go on dates, he will fall in love, fall out of love and maybe settle down in the end with some nice girl but she will always remain a part of his life.

She's his girl at the end of the driveway. The beautiful, elusive, heartbreaking girl who stands alone. She's looking on to him with her eyes so kind and as warm as the orange glow of the sun that surrounds her and he's the boy with his eyes wide open, looking back at this girl with sadness and love and wonder at what could have been. He will never stop wondering.


End file.
